This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit
lately.
A couple weeks after I got out of the hospital for the
second time, an acquaintance, who was a runner and cyclist, died while on a
training run. I don't really know how old he was, but I don't think he was out
of his 20s. He left a widow and a five-year-old son. His widow is still working
through the grieving process.
What I've learned is this:
The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are
experienced by people from all walks of life.
Looking at my own situation, myself and those around me - particularly
my wife: mourning may occur in response to an individual’s own illness, the loss
of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal.
There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”
How does this really affect my wife. Her husband didn't die.
However, I've come to realize that the person she was married is no longer in
her life. He has been substituted with a person of limited abilities and
altered personality. Just not the same guy.
I see my friend's widow's posts on Facebook. She's having an
extremely hard time. It's very evident that she has suffered a loss. But when
my own wife displays the symptoms of the grieving process, it's been hard for
me to see her suffering. But I need to realize what she's been going through. I
haven't been able to understand that until
recently. And since many people do not experience the stages of grieving in the
order in which we see them commonly listed, the key to understanding the "why's
" and "what's" of my wife's actions and activities is to
understand that she too is going through the grieving process and that I need
to focus more on her and less on "the me." A friend of mine
essentially told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. What this person said was
"You've had many, many years being able to ride in so many races. That is
something I certainly could not do. You can look back on all those races and
thank God for the ability He gave you to do that." In essence stop feeling
sorry for yourself and focus on what's important. So I've got my marching
orders.
I must also understand that in bereavement, each of us spends
different lengths of time working through each step and each of us expresses the
different stages with different levels of intensity. As mentioned earlier the
five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. As individuals we
often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of loss.
Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final
stage of grief. Katherine falls into this category.
Things her husband had once done, were suddenly forced upon her.
Any attempt to help would often be seen as criticism. So I've come to realize
that instead of focusing on tasks, I need to focus more on her feelings. This
may seem so very elementary to most people, but to a person who is himself
dealing with loss, it is not a subject easily understood. I'm just beginning to
understand the smallest portion of it.
It may take me a lifetime.
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