Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
For yesterday is but a dream.
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived makes
every yesterday a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day!
Such is the salutation of the dawn.

Friday, July 11, 2014

An apology of sorts - It may take me a lifetime.

This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.
A couple weeks after I got out of the hospital for the second time, an acquaintance, who was a runner and cyclist, died while on a training run. I don't really know how old he was, but I don't think he was out of his 20s. He left a widow and a five-year-old son. His widow is still working through the grieving process.
What I've learned is this:
The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life.
Looking at my own situation, myself and those around me - particularly my wife: mourning may occur in response to an individual’s own illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”
How does this really affect my wife. Her husband didn't die. However, I've come to realize that the person she was married is no longer in her life. He has been substituted with a person of limited abilities and altered personality. Just not the same guy.
I see my friend's widow's posts on Facebook. She's having an extremely hard time. It's very evident that she has suffered a loss. But when my own wife displays the symptoms of the grieving process, it's been hard for me to see her suffering. But I need to realize what she's been going through. I haven't  been able to understand that until recently. And since many people do not experience the stages of grieving in the order in which we see them commonly listed, the key to understanding the "why's " and "what's" of my wife's actions and activities is to understand that she too is going through the grieving process and that I need to focus more on her and less on "the me." A friend of mine essentially told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. What this person said was "You've had many, many years being able to ride in so many races. That is something I certainly could not do. You can look back on all those races and thank God for the ability He gave you to do that." In essence stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on what's important. So I've got my marching orders.
I must also understand that in bereavement, each of us spends different lengths of time working through each step and each of us expresses the different stages with different levels of intensity. As mentioned earlier the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. As individuals we often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of loss. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. Katherine falls into this category.
Things her husband had once done, were suddenly forced upon her. Any attempt to help would often be seen as criticism. So I've come to realize that instead of focusing on tasks, I need to focus more on her feelings. This may seem so very elementary to most people, but to a person who is himself dealing with loss, it is not a subject easily understood. I'm just beginning to understand the smallest portion of it.

It may take me a lifetime.

  

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